Happy Birthday to the most important woman in my life.

Sarah,

Recently we were dancing in the kitchen. There was a moment you looked up at me, I will forever and always remember the look in your eyes...you trusted me. Over the years we have been busy living, but we have been growing to, in between all the to dos we have been discovering who we are as individuals and as a couple. Recently you have been revealing more of yourself to me, you've been opening up and sharing your heart with me...trusting me. This last year has held some significant moments for us, Paris, London, Ireland, Bahamas, settled in Hawai'i, RUQ, Elevate, Deeper, and lots of micro moments. There have been some wildly fun highs and like you said recently, some growing pains.

Today is your birthday, 42! Happy Birthday my lover. You've spent another 365 days choosing to pursue life, love, and family. I am so proud to be your husband. I'm so proud to be on this adventure of life with you. I'm so proud to look at the past 12 months and know that we leaned into life together.

You risked a lot this year, you put yourself out there in ways you haven't given yourself the space to in the past. You deserve it, and not because you earned it by being a "good mom" or a "faithful wife" but because your heart matters, your life matters, you matter. You are a GREAT mama and queen to me, but that's a result, an outpouring, of the beautiful person God created when he made you.

Happy Birthday Sarah, you are a princess, a queen, and a daughter to the creator of the universe. I am blessed to get to be a part of your life and story.

Funny, when I tell my story I think of you walking into my life in that pink dress that Mother's Day all those years ago. But I think the truth is you were living your life's adventure and I happened to be in the right place at the right time and got to join your adventure of a big family and an adventurous life. What I love about you is your faith, you are willing to make some big ass jumps in life, you are willing to take some serious leaps of faith...I love that.

Thanks for letting me tag along.

I am ready and willing to take more leaps with you.

Here is to another year of you, I celebrate you, I honor you, I support you, I am by your side, I love you. I want to continue to see those eyes of trust looking up at me while we dance in the kitchen on random the days that seem random but are truly a gift.

Happy Birthday Sarah my queen.

-Ned

The Dash

Honey -

I'm at a RUK event. I am serving as a volunteer. At the moment we are at a cemetery. I am sitting by a headstone for Archie and Mildred Arnold. Their headstone says mama and daddy. Our kids call you mama...what a special and important name.

It's sad but also so real, one day we will no longer be on this earth. There are some headstones with just one person listed, how sad. There is something unique and special about a couple that stayed together, they figured it out, they didn't quit. What a gift. What a gift to themselves, their kiddos, and the world. I am committed to that being us.

Then there is the dash. The time they spent on this earth. It's quick. When I think about how quick it is it seems meaningless at first, like what's the point? But really, how beautiful, a gift that only lasts for a certain amount of time. Something you must maximize while you have it. I want to maximize the time I have with you. How often do we get in the way of enjoying the dash because of all the things we think are so important or the things we are "working on" or "working towards".

Funny, as I write this I have been thinking a lot about how I can default to my task list, doing everything the right way, I have been thinking about it as the Doing Ned versus Being Ned. Same could go for us, instead of trying to do life right, always trying to maximize, just be us, less pressure...I want to say less purpose and intention...but that's not it...I just want to be more like a kid with you, less worried about time, money, or what's next...be here and now with you. Present.

I just walked around a bit. Check out the below headstone...the Armstrong's. They were married for 70 years! So wild and they are burried here in the middle of some town in the middle of Texas. But it matters, their marriage mattered, but maybe not with the same pressures we put on ourselves (especially me) to get the most out of life. None of their accomplishments are listed other than their love for each other. Beautiful.

I love you.

I want to be with you.

I want us to enjoy being present together, in the messiness of life.

The strangest Valentine's letter

Well...

Sarah...

A queen, a princess, a girl, a woman, a daughter to the creator of the universe.

I love you.

As I sat down to write you a love letter a song came on...timing is everything. I haven't listened to Bob Marley in ages, and I don't think I have ever heard this song. It's called, "She's gone."

Not really a love song.

But there was a line that hit me. I don't believe it, I don't think it's true. But in some ways, it is real because in some ways (not all) but some I think you feel it...and what you feel has a connection to me...meaning, I played some role in your feeling this way...along with having five kids, being broke for seasons, being in seasons of survival, the impact of my family, the impact of your family, and past friend relationships...there are a lot of things that influence you having days where you feel this way...the line is...

She felt like a prisoner who needs to be free

We have fought the past couple of days. It was horrible. I hate it.

But today I heard this in two places....this idea of a wife feeling like a prisoner. When we were at the gym I listened to a man teaching on marriage and he shared a book a man wrote about how his wife felt like a prisoner, and he had to give her space to process. Although he had changed, and life had changed, she needed the space to see, feel, and know she was free.

Sarah, I love you. Oh shoot!!! I just thought of another song I heard this week, a new song by Noah Kahan...Forever. This line hit me...

So, when I hold her close

I might loosen my grip, but I won't ever let her go

I won't ever let her go

Sarah, I will never let you go. I won't. I won't quit. But in some ways I need you to feel like my grip is loosened. You are free to be yourself and continue to discover who that wonderful woman is that God created when he made you. I am sorry when I put too much pressure on the moments and don't give enough space for the big picture victory, glory, and mystery of who you are becoming, and who we are becoming together. Both Matter...the US and the YOU.

Here is the full verse from the Bob Marley song.

She had left me a note hanging on my door

She say she couldn't take it, she couldn't take any more

The pressure around me just couldn't see

She felt like a prisoner who needs to be free

Fools have tried, yeah - wisemen have failed

Oh, listen to me, honey, life could never be another jail

Still we know now, we'll never see smoke without fire

And everyone you see has a heart desire

I love you. I don't want the pressure around me to blind me from your heart's desire. At the end of our life on this earth I want to look into your eyes and know I loved, supported, and celebrated your heart and every one of its desires.

Ned - I am truly your biggest fan, and I want to spend my life proving it.

I love this picture because I felt it was a moment in time when we were closest to our truest selves and also united as one.